'Dear Technical Support re: Husband 1.0'

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.31, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

Unfortunately, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DrapeHanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness and has on occasion evoked the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen of Death). Can you help?



Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 Is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. It is definitely not designed for multi-tasking. Further, you cannot simply purge Husband 1.0 from your system and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any modification program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory and cannot readily accept new information or changes. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. (Look in your manual under "Warnings:Divorce/Resource Allocation.") You will notice that trying to install either of these programs (both of which, by the way, come pre-bundled with HeartBreak 1.3) will result in poor system performance, system conflict, and possible virus infection. I strongly recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. Husband 1.0 will then run efficiently for a few weeks before you start to notice repeat problems.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is an extremely disagreeable program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and wave files LoudSnore. All of these files are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember: Husband 1.0 will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but is plagued with memory and performance problems.

Consider buying additional software to enhance its functionality. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, Patience 10.1, and Appreciation 2.5. If you keep these utilities running in the background ready to be called up when needed, Husband 1.0 will experience fewer system interrupts, crashes, and lockups. You will also notice after several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to install HisMotherlnLaw 1.0 as a resident program, even temporarily. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system due to high incompatibility issues. Until HisMotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled, Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

Many couples believe the myth that either a marriage works, or it doesn't. You either click, like a computer programme, or you don't. If the loving stops, you press 'Esc', call it quits and find another 'service provider' - someone else to love.

But enduring true love isn't just about short term feelings. Feelings change; they can be as unreliable as the weather or computers. Building a lifelong relationship on how you feel today means that the two of you may never make it through tomorrow.

So how do couples make it beyond tomorrow - and on, and on, and on? The answer is simple, by devoting themselves to each other. And what does devotion look like? Often devoted couples have said one or more of the following four keys have helped them to find lasting love. The four keys are golden rules to remember and exercise daily for a marriage to work. They are quite simply as follows:

1. Dare to Care
Let your partner know that they are No 1 in your life. Take time to listen. Show interest.
a Make time for each other
b Listen carefully when he/she is talking
c Try to see things from your partner's point of view

2. Be Open
Risk being honest about your feelings, needs and hurts.
a Talk about your hopes and fears
b Talk about your day, especially if it's been tough, and ask about your partner's day
c Tell him or her what they do right; pay compliments
d Tell them the good things about your lovemaking together.

3. Give as Well as Take
Try always to meet your partner's needs before your own. Be kind and respectful
a Surprise him/her - breakfast in bed?
b A happy welcome back from work
c Write a note to say "I love you" even when it's not Valentine's Day.

4. Be Peacemakers
All couples have disagreements. How you handle the disagreement, rebuild trust and love is more important than the disagreement. If you have had a row, you can rebuild love if you:
a Don't sulk and refuse to say anything.
b Don't withdraw - say sorry to each other.
c Are prepared to admit you were partly or completely to blame
d Speak kind words. Softly spoken can bring comfort - with a hug, even better. Make a cup of tea, sit close together and talk it through.

I am grateful to Marriage Resource for the Four Keys. For more information email me at [email protected]/christchurch. More information on the church web site www.virginiawater.co.uk/christchurch