'Dear Technical Support re: Wife 1.0'

Dear Technical Support,

I am desperate for some help. I have recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new programme began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programmes and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5 and More Beer 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. attempting to operate Saturday Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't seem to work either. Can you please help me.



ear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program whereas it is in fact an Operating System designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not intended to do this and is impossible to delete, de-install or purge the files. Some people have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems (see Manual under Alimony, Child Support and Solicitors fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend that you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. when any faults or problems occur, whatever you think may have caused them, you must run the C:\I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the 'Esc' key. It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully the system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 or Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 as this is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will undoubtedly cause the system to crash. Persevere and you will find Wife 1.0 the best and most indispensible programme in your life. You will wonder how you managed without it.

Tech Support


Many couples believe the myth that either a marriage works, or it doesn't. You either click, like a computer programme, or you don't. If the loving stops, you press 'Esc', call it quits and find another 'service provider' - someone else to love.

But enduring true love isn't just about short term feelings. Feelings change; they can be as unreliable as the weather or computers. Building a lifelong relationship on how you feel today means that the two of you may never make it through tomorrow.

So how do couples make it beyond tomorrow - and on, and on, and on? The answer is simple, by devoting themselves to each other. And what does devotion look like? Often devoted couples have said one or more of the following four keys have helped them to find lasting love. The four keys are golden rules to remember and exercise daily for a marriage to work. They are quite simply as follows:

1. Dare to Care
Let your partner know that they are No 1 in your life. Take time to listen. Show interest.
a Make time for each other
b Listen carefully when he/she is talking
c Try to see things from your partner's point of view

2. Be Open
Risk being honest about your feelings, needs and hurts.
a Talk about your hopes and fears
b Talk about your day, especially if it's been tough, and ask about your partner's day
c Tell him or her what they do right; pay compliments
d Tell them the good things about your lovemaking together.

3. Give as Well as Take
Try always to meet your partner's needs before your own. Be kind and respectful
a Surprise him/her - breakfast in bed?
b A happy welcome back from work
c Write a note to say "I love you" even when it's not Valentine's Day.

4. Be Peacemakers
All couples have disagreements. How you handle the disagreement, rebuild trust and love is more important than the disagreement. If you have had a row, you can rebuild love if you:
a Don't sulk and refuse to say anything.
b Don't withdraw - say sorry to each other.
c Are prepared to admit you were partly or completely to blame
d Speak kind words. Softly spoken can bring comfort - with a hug, even better. Make a cup of tea, sit close together and talk it through.

I am grateful to Marriage Resource for the Four Keys. For more information email me at [email protected]/christchurch. More information on the church web site www.virginiawater.co.uk/christchurch